It’s been a long hiatus. The reason is that despite my many experiences, I couldn’t find something to write about. I’ve always thought that I write better than I talk. The problem with that is that speaking is key for a Christian. My brain works so fast and I am conscious of the fact that I don’t always get my point across and so I will use this post to get my point across better.
As some of you may know, I’m planning on attending grad school in California in a couple of months and I’ve been asked a lot of questions about my motives. This whole experience has made me realize a few things:
1. I don’t have a burden for Europe.
This was a hard thing to admit. Being a European, it’s expected that you would have a burden for your own continent, and maybe that’s true for some people, but unfortunately it isn’t for me right now. There are various reasons for this and it’s probably not helped by the fact that throughout my history degree I was encouraged to be extremely objective and critical of every source I came across. I can understand why saints would be burdened for Europe and at times, I am slightly envious but it was liberating to finally realize that I didn’t need to be burdened for Europe. The Lord has His plan for me and maybe tomorrow I will wake up with a burden for Europe but if not, I can’t try to force myself. As the Body, we all have different functions and if I am called to do the Lord’s work elsewhere, in His eyes it’ll be equal to that of someone doing the Lord’s work in Europe.
2. I don’t have a burden to go the Full-Time Training…right now.
I am not a church kid and so I wasn’t brought up with a view to going to the FTTL or any of the other trainings. I’ve been in the church life for two and half years and in that time I have a gained so much but I know I’m not ready for the training yet. I thought it would be easier for me, because my parents aren’t in the church life, however, I still felt the huge weight of expectation. The saints mean well but I feel as if I spent many months finding tactful ways to say I wasn’t going to FTTL but would consider it in the future. I wasn’t lying. I do want to attend the Full-Time Training but while by the future I meant in the next few years, I knew that they thought the future meant the following term. Going to the Full-Time Training is a privilege and when I go, I know that I will be fully prepared and ready for the perfection that will follow. Until the Lord instills in me that burden, I’ll just keep offering vague responses when asked.
3. I want to serve full-time.
This may seem strange when you consider the two earlier points. Surely if I want to serve full-time, I would want to go to FTT. The best way to explain this is to say that I see serving full-time in my mid-long term future. There are many ways to serve and many areas I could serve in. I’ve always thought that my history degree and journalism background would be useful for the Lord. During my semester abroad in Australia, I got became interested in environmental policy, in particular water policy. This interest, and the knowledge gleaned from my time in Melbourne, has led me towards grad school. I know the Lord can also use this for His move. When you think about it a former journalist who has a Bachelors in history a Masters in Public Policy with a speciality in environmentally policy could come in handy in Europe in the next few years. Then again, speculating on behalf of the Lord is never a good idea.
Coming to these realizations has helped me put things into context. It’s important to have a personal experience of the Lord and mine have led me to these points. I know that there are a few people who would prefer I stayed in London and go to FTTL but I don’t think that’s the path for me right now. Many people don’t know that I didn’t get accepted by any of the universities I wanted to do my undergrad at. I ended up going to the school 10 minutes from my house and only because they were the only ones who wanted me and they made a very good offer. It’s a good school, ranked in the world’s top 150, but it wasn’t where I wanted to go. Now I’m in a position where I’ve been accepted into every graduate program I’ve applied for so far, which comes with its own set of problems. I don’t know what the future holds but as of now I’m pretty confident that the Lord will continue to gain me outside of Europe for the next few years.